Jokes
by All Powerful Demigod
Summary: Just some dirty jokes I found on the internet.I am saying Leo is telling them, but there is no evidence that points to him. DIACLAIMER I DO NOT OWN ANY CHARACTERS, OR JOKES. Taking story requests, lemons only. PM me.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys, sorry for not putting out the other story. My school had a riot and a whole bunch of fights, and I had to put up with a lot of crap from some peers. I will be taking requests for stories, and I will try to get to all of them, but I won't be doing all of them. Sorry again. Also this time I will be posting two stories. This by the way isn't a story, but a collection of jokes I found all throughout the internet. DISCLAIMER , NONE OF THESE JOKES ARE ORIGINAL.**

A Penis Study

In 1991, Duke University funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the Man more pleasure during sex. After Duke published the study, Stanford decided to do their own study. After three years of research and $250,000.00, they concluded that the reason was to give the Woman more pleasure during sex. The University of Wisconsin, unsatisfied with these findings, spent $13.27 (for a Playboy, Penthouse, and a case of Old Milwaukee) and concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

The Card Game

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"

Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

Science Rocks

Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class: "Who can tell me

which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times

its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question?

I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal,

who will have you fired!"

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asked the class

the question again and this time Sam raised his hand. "Yes, Sam?"

"Mr. Sampson, Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have three things to

tell you:

First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a

dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly

disappointed."

Some stupid Pirate joke

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants.

The Bartender asks, "whats with the wheel?"

The pirate says, "Ar! It drives me nuts!

Amish woman and daughter

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will

warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother

again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,

don't they!"

Making Money

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like

that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

The Frog

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"


	2. The 6 Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM ..

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub! them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied,

"I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said:

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified

at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the

father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

"Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He ! examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician

commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home

"I have something to show

you won't believe," he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed,

"Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner;

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you,"

she said, " pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied,

"the Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too."

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

"How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied:

"Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs

with your wife?"

The bartender replied:

"The same thing

I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, " his wife replied.

"No," he insisted,

"I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied,

" now just rest

and let the poison work."


	3. Leo's 9

Hey **guys, I'm sorry that I've been incognito lately. I was sick for a bit and had to get my grades up in school and a whole bunch of other stuff. To make it up to you I'm doing a Christmas special. December 25th I will be doing a oneshot for PJO. And I am posting tomorrow. Thanks for all the love and support. It's the All Powerful Demigod back at it again.**

# 9 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask

the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the

front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman

beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into

her breast. They are both startled and he

says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your

breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if

your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room

1221."

# 8 A young man walks up and sits down at the

bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender

inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"

responded the young man. "6 shots?! Are you

celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first

blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a

7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6

shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

#7 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky

enough to be seated next to an absolutely

gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos

and he notices she is reading a manual about

sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she

replies, "This is a very interesting book about

sexual statistics. It identifies that American

Indians have the longest average penis and

Polish men have the biggest average diameter.

By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He

coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet

you."

# 6 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the

husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and

starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and

says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist

appointment tomorrow and I want to stay

fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and

tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back

over and taps his wife again. This time he

whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist

appointment tomorrow too?"

# 5 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been

employed there for a number of years when he

came home one day to confess to his wife that

he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to

stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife

suggested that he should see a sex therapist to

talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be to

embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the

compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks

later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife

could see at once that something was seriously

wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do

you remember that I told you how I had this

tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle

slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My

God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No,

Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle

slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

# 4 A man was visiting his wife in hospital where

she has been in a coma for several years. On

this visit he decides to rub her left breast

instead of just talking to her. On doing this she

lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the

doctor who says this is a good sign and

suggests he should try rubbing her right breast

to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in

and rubs her right breast and this brings a

moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the

man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will

wait outside as it is a personal act and he

doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The

man goes in then comes out about five minutes

later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his

wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to

which the man replies: "She choked."

# 3

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his

side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He

turns

to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's

mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the

gator

will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then

open

his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In

return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you

will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man

stood up

on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his

privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator

closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a

minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and

rapped the

alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator

opened his mouth and the man removed his

genitals

unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free

drinks

were delivered. The man stood up again and

made

another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the

bar.

A woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on

the head with the beer bottle."

# 2

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he

gets

in he notices a huge black dude standing next to

him.

The big black dude looks down upon the small

white

guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch

dick,

3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner

Brown"

The small white guy faints!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy

and

brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him

and

asks the small white guy.

"What's wrong?".

The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what

did you

say?".

The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot

tall,

350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3

pound

right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small white guy says, "Thank God, I thought

you

said 'Turn around.'"

# 1

There was this couple who had been married for

50

years. They were sitting at the breakfast table

one

morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,

"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50

years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago

we

were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably

sitting

here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you

say...should

we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat

down

at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly

replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as

they

were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's

in

your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!


End file.
